weirdjews:

Rachel (

gatehorse) wrote in

weirdjews,
2012-02-15 22:04:00

I'm a member of a dating site-just a general one, not specifically for Jews (I can't afford Jdate), so in my profile I state that I prefer to date Jewish. Now, I fully support my friends who date non-Jews, but through personal experience, I've come to realize that it's a lot more important to me than I had originally thought, and far easier for me too, to date Jews. So if I'm going to look for dates, I try to stick to that preference. I have that statement up because I don't have a lot of time, and even if I did, I get tired of wading through all the messages from non-Jews. Today I recieved this message:
"Can you imagine someone putting "white people only" in their profile? That's how your profile looks to non Jewish people. It may be your preference but it's offensive"

I...can't even. I still recieve messages from non-Jews despite my statement, but that aside, he knows nothing of my cultural background. Obviously I'm never going to meet up with him or anything, but is it worth trying to explain, and if so, how? Or should I just tell him to f*** off and block him?

And thanks for everyone's support on my last post...I don't generally run into a lot of anti-semitism because I live in a very Jewish area, so I don't always know how to respond when I do come across it.

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44 comments

countessof_roth

February 16 2012, 03:15:58 UTC 3 months ago

He's an idiot. Uh no? that's NOT how it is. Its a religion. And um, when I was doing online dating waaaay back before I met my husband, i'd see pages that said "I will not date non Christians"....

February 16 2012, 05:06:38 UTC 3 months ago

I see preferences like that all the time too. But I don't judge them for it or draw illgical conclusions. I just move on if I don't fit the bill.

countessof_roth

3 months ago

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February 16 2012, 03:16:01 UTC 3 months ago

Just block him. He's an ignorant asshole. Judaism isn't a race; it's a cultural, linguistic, religious, national, ethical, moral, and even aesthetic tradition and major differences in any one of those aspects are often legitimate 'deal-breakers' for everyone on that site, so why not for you?

February 16 2012, 03:46:12 UTC 3 months ago

That's exactly how I feel.

February 16 2012, 03:20:06 UTC 3 months ago

I don't think race and religion are so comparable here. It is pretty common to want to raise children under one set of religious values rather than displaying conflicting beliefs and having all of the troubles interfaith families can have. I'd just ignore him, honestly. He sounds like one of those people who just wants to cause problems and argue for the sake of it.

February 16 2012, 03:47:43 UTC 3 months ago

That's the feeling I'm getting as well-that he just wants to argue. And I agree, I don't think race and religion are comparable here, though even if I had specified "whites only" I wouldn't find that offensive.

February 16 2012, 03:21:25 UTC 3 months ago

Your preference is just that, your preference.
If the responder doesn't understand that concept then maybe he just has an issue with Jews in-general.
I occasionally peruse dating sites and am not offended in the least if someone says they're interested in meeting a specific race, or religion, or gender, or occupation, or whatever, that's why the preferences are asked for.

February 16 2012, 03:51:20 UTC 3 months ago

I maaaaaay have responded by calling him an ignorant antisemite...so yes, I got the feeling he just has a problem with Jews as well.
I'm not offended by preferences either, even racial preferences. I am however, offended at being called racist, especially about something that is completely separate from racism.

February 16 2012, 03:23:54 UTC 3 months ago

If I felt like expanding on 'fuck off' (which would be my first reaction), I'd tell him it's actually shorthand for 'I only want to date people with the same cultural background.' And if he doesn't think being Jewish means anything in Christian-based society, he's a moron who doesn't know what he's talking about. But I think we already knew that.

February 16 2012, 03:52:26 UTC 3 months ago

YEah that was my first reaction too. Totally agree-luckily messages from ignorant morons like him are few and far between.

February 16 2012, 03:45:05 UTC 3 months ago

He's a privileged dickweed.

February 16 2012, 04:49:37 UTC 3 months ago

Thank you, I totally agree.

3 months ago

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glottalstopit

3 months ago

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whataspacecase

February 16 2012, 04:45:45 UTC 3 months ago

You're right in this situation. That said, if you were really into someone and he said to you "I'd date you if you were a different religion, but since you're not, I won't," that would probably make you feel pretty defensive, even if he was totally in the right. It's not that you're wrong here, but sometimes being right is not the end of the story.

February 16 2012, 05:04:42 UTC 3 months ago

To be honest, I haven't been in that situation, so I can't say for sure how I'd respond, but my instinct is that I wouldn't really care-because I know what it's like to prefer a religion, and because I wouldn't know his religious/cultural background. For example, I have a friend whos family would disown her for dating outside her religion-how do I know someone else doesn't have a background like that? For that matter, should it even matter why they don't want to date outside their religion? I can't begrudge them for turning me down because their family is important, or for any other reason-I find it admirable rather than offensive and I take no issue with it. And if I did, I certainly wouldn't message them to make sure they know I'm judging them for it-it wouldn't be worth my time.

Thank you-I do know right or wrong isn't the end of it, but it's good to be reminded. I supposed part of my issue is that I don't see his point in contacting me in the first place-if I don't like something I see in a profile, I just move on to the next profile. Does he message EVERYONE who states a religious preference to call them racist? And I highly resent being called racist because that's simply not true. I don't think "I won't date you because of your religion" equates to "you're racist." That's what really pissed me off.

whataspacecase

3 months ago

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whataspacecase

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whataspacecase

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milleniumrex

February 16 2012, 05:10:29 UTC 3 months ago

Is he a white christian? Ten bucks says he's a white christian. I've noticed that a certain element of them looooooooove to explain to us Jews how we need to be better. Usually while conflating us with some generic definition of "White people" .

February 16 2012, 05:36:47 UTC 3 months ago

White... his profile said not christian, but I'd bet he grew up in a christian family. Whether or not he still considers himself so, I'd say he still acts like a member of the priviledged majority.

sinnamongirl

3 months ago

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February 16 2012, 05:58:12 UTC 3 months ago

Not sure why he singles you out. I see people put their preferences all the time and I think it's better than getting shot down or ignored without knowing why. Avoiding the hopeless causes helps keep rejection down and my ego higher.

February 16 2012, 19:05:09 UTC 3 months ago

That's what I think-what's wrong with warning them right away about a dealbreaker for me instead of shooting them down later? If they're literate, they can skip over me and move onto the next girl.

fish_n_lilies

February 16 2012, 11:13:14 UTC 3 months ago

Lol, in my dating site statement I've noticed that I have a big huge preference towards people who have a dick, and that I am truly ashamed of having an anatomical preference of such a kind, but I still can't change it, despite my good wish, despite my education in gender equality.
No one can tell you that you shouldn't have some dating preference - it's your life, your body and your freedom of choice. I am in doubt this guy who messaged you ever messaged a "black" woman, with all hypocrisy. Usually, people feel bad about being turned out by someone, so they have to justify their bad feelings by blaming the person rejecting in any thing - no matter what the thing is.

February 16 2012, 19:06:40 UTC 3 months ago

Thank you. That's how I feel-it's my preference and my choice

February 16 2012, 14:05:56 UTC 3 months ago

It's ridiculous that anyone's dating preferences could offend someone else, period.

February 16 2012, 14:59:37 UTC 3 months ago

I agree with all these comments that you are perfectly within your right to state your preference, and I would probably say something similar if I had an online profile. People DO prefer to date their own race/ethnicity, own religion, etc. I don't think it makes you racist or anti-(whatever) to specify that you want a partner who shares some aspect of your culture. People do it ALL THE TIME in person. But online, you kind of have to make it more explicit. Or you just weed out once people message you. You're just stating it upfront so people don't waste their time. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I also agree that this was probably someone who was really interested in your profile, until they saw the "Jews only" line. And I can kind of sympathize with that, since I wasn't Jewish when I met my husband. He made it very clear that his faith was important to him, but I thank my lucky stars that he didn't restrict himself to only dating Jews. I got the opportunity to discover my own faith through him. I converted a few years later out of genuine faith, not obligation. We had a traditional Jewish wedding and now have a Jewish home and are expecting our first child. I am so glad he got to know me before ruling me out. I'm not suggesting you do the same; I'm just saying that this person was clearly excited about you, only to be ruled out before even introducing himself. Of course, he went about it the wrong way...

My last point is that I think it's unfair to call him anti-semitic for what he said. He didn't say anything against Judaism. In fact, if he was interested in you, that says to me that he's NOT anti-semitic. But I'm usually willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

February 16 2012, 17:47:14 UTC 3 months ago

yup. but honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you're only interested in dating white people, either. Or black people. Or people from Indiana. Or whatever.

3 months ago

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February 16 2012, 18:16:59 UTC 3 months ago

It's about him, not you. I mean, who asked him to school you on privilege? He's self-appointed, you didn't vote for him. Don't let his poison affect you.

February 16 2012, 19:07:18 UTC 3 months ago

Thank you, I appreciate this.

3 months ago

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homericlaughter

February 16 2012, 19:59:11 UTC 3 months ago

I'm on some not-exclusively-Jewish dating sites and initially put something similar in my profile. I got similar messages to what you got. So instead, I put in my profile aspects of me that make it really obvious that I'd need to date a Jew of similar level of observance, like when it asks what I typically do on a Friday night, and I explain that I'm shomer shabbat. I also talk about keeping kosher (which in our city means never eating out in restaurants) and how a halakhic lifestyle is important to me. I only get Jewish guys contacting me now, even if I don't explicitly state that it must be so.

That said, there are free Jewish dating sites out there that you might want to seek out, especially if you're getting serious about finding a long term partner. If you're at all observant, I have friends who have had success with Frumster, for example, though I personally haven't ventured there yet.

February 16 2012, 23:48:20 UTC 3 months ago

I kind of just go on dates when I have time now, about 3-4 per semester. I'm too busy with school to really go out looking, so I only log on when I see that someone has messaged me. Do you happen to know any of the free sites? I might be interested come summer.

This was the first time I've gotten a message like that-I hope it doesn't continue. :/ I'm not all that observant, so I'm having a hard time thinking about what I could put in my profile so that only Jews would message me. I don't keep kosher in my apartment (though my parents' house is kosher and I'd like to have a kosher home one day, but I think that's a bit too much for a profile), I'm not shomer shabbat, and although I mention that some friday nights will find me at my parents' house for shabbat dinner, I do also go out sometimes and I have that stated. I'll have to think about it-maybe there is still a way to phrase it that would make my preference clear.

February 21 2012, 18:46:09 UTC 3 months ago

it's fine

I think you are totally fine to put what you are looking for and no need to explain to anyone.

No it isn't just like putting "white only" ... not at all.

I could go into why but for starters putting white only would be white racism and what you are doing is not.

And imho the person should go get cultural counseling (wish our society had more of it available.) sort of a therapy for those who can't deal with the fact they are privileged. Lol.

February 21 2012, 18:57:57 UTC 3 months ago

LOL cultural counseling, I totally agree!

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44 comments

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